6 Mistakes I Made After Separation
Separation isn’t easy. In my situation, I am the person who initiated the process by announcing I was “done”. But in most relationships by the time end game has arrived the truth is you have probably been “separated” for a very long time.
It’s difficult to separate from the life you have known for so long. Even if it’s only a 3 – 4 year investment it’s understandable that both women and men fear the change. Some of my separation mistakes are simply human nature, it’s an emotional process and even the person who leaves goes through a grieving period.
6 Mistakes I Made After Separation
Feeling Guilty Because Of The Kids
I would have probably left a lot earlier if I did not feel so guilty about “separating” my kids from their parents. Having parents that stay together is something that Kid’s probably wished for, so to take that away is tough. I have now realised that although the guilt itself may not be a mistake, allowing it to keep me there was. Staying in a miserable relationship isn’t healthy for anyone, including the kids.
Feeling Like My Relationship Defined Me
Suddenly flying solo I had this overwhelming feeling like I was just an empty piece of nothing without my miserable relationship. Suddenly I had all this freedom, choices and the ability to be the true boss of myself. It was so new to me I almost felt like running back to my old life – The one I had been desperate to leave for a couple of years.
It took around 4 months to find my happy. The transition period was so full of emotion, guilt and my own self-made expectations. If you want to separate or are in the process of separating, don’t try and prove yourself to others. You are already doing that by changing your life for the better.
Playing Into Games Without Realising
Just remember, your ex-partner is also adjusting to this period. You can be toying with someone and not even realise what you are doing. You can play into a person’s game and even after you have figured it out, you keep falling into that trap.
Now that you’re separated there is nothing wrong with keeping contact to a minimum or almost on a professional like level. I encourage all parents to get along after separation, but you don’t have to live in each other’s pockets. Don’t fall for ex-partner phishing scams time and time again, your allowed to have your own life. They only need to know things on a need to know basis.
Living Parts Of My Old Life Now That I Have A New Life
Before I had children I was incredibly motivated in my work life. You would see me working Sundays when everyone else begged the manager to put them on, I didn’t have a problem with it. I loved my work as much as life itself.
I’m not sure what happened. I’m not going to write about the demise of my relationships and the “whys” and who is to blame. But I can only come to the conclusion that when a woman’s self-confidence is blown to smithereens it makes every aspect in life harder for a while.
The mistake is letting that version of her win when she comes to play. There are plenty of strategies and things I can do to talk “old mundane depressed” self out of the day. But sometimes I let her in because it’s an old habit and they don’t die quickly.
Assuming Your Kids Will Choose The Other Parent
I don’t know why I felt this way. During my 7 year relationship, I was primarily a stay at home parent. I have three kids, my oldest is from a previous relationship. I’m the only surviving parent of my oldest child so I know he will always be with me.
But for a long time, I had this worry that my kids would start to prefer living with their father. there is no reason, we are a normal happy family. There is the occasional drama as my oldest has special needs and can make things difficult but his sisters love and accept him.
Convincing myself they would want to live with the other parent was stupid. I think it’s simply the “doomsday” kind of thinking that happens when you’re going through an emotional period of time. I must have been thinking the worst, about everything.
Thinking You NEED To Move On ASAP
You do NOT need to move on. You CAN if you want to but nobody NEEDS to jump into another relationship. If you spend some time learning to love your own company and recognising the things you can do on your own – you will see that is actually part of the key to moving on successfully.
You can still date people without the outlook of a serious relationship. Sometimes the best things come when you’re not actively looking. One common thing I’ve noticed with the newly separated is that they are almost hunting for another person like a tiger in the woods, I don’t want to be some poor deer that happened to be there while you are looking.
I think if we take a closer look at our relationships this can often be applied to why they failed. Do we just take what’s on offer too often? Because we think that’s all that’s available? In hindsight, I can honestly say it was never going to work. Bleeding obvious to the people around me but love is blind.
Separation doesn’t have to totally suck.
You can celebrate the fact you no longer are stuck in a miserable cycle. I understand everyone has different experiences, including crazy ex-partners so it’s not fabulous for everyone. Some mistakes can’t be helped, some emotions are unavoidable. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re going through these, but know that it’s fine if you are! you are not the only one.