Things That **** Me Off. Warning: Epic Sweary Mum Rant Deployed

Things That **** Me Off.

You see what I did there with the little starry things. I respected my audience enough to cover up my expletives until you entered my little world. Well, here you are. Hello and welcome to my epic rant about all the things that currently fuck me right off. Oh, you thought that starry line was something else? That’s cute.

I’m going full NASA on this shit right here and I’m going to deploy the world’s biggest mum rant in history. My browser history that is. If you don’t like the word Fuck, I still love you but leave now.

Yoo Hoo, anyone still here?…….let’s go.

 

Tampon & Pad Commercials

Dear Carefree, I’m not fucking carefree at all when I have my period. I’m actually a miserable bitch that feels like a whale about to give birth to another whale. When I’m not busy being a miserable bitch I’m eating. So could you please stop portraying the average women as comfortable during their period. it makes me feel like a hypochondriac when I’m planning my funeral on the second day of my period.

Stop with the cartoons of women laughing and drinking wine and shit with their friends. Handing each other “soft luxurious” pads under the door of a restaurant. I ate the restaurant and all the food at the party.

I am totally thankful for the invention of pads and tampons. Did you know in some countries women have to use rags, bark and rolled up leaves and shit? That’s fucking infuriating and pisses me right off. I’m going to stop there before flames burst out of my keyboard and move on,  more on that topic HERE.

 

 

People Who Walk Behind My Car While I’m Reversing

What the fuck is wrong with you? You have a sidewalk and 150 metres of another road to walk on….Do you want to die? I know you love me but please cease and desist. I’m sick of you throwing yourself in front of my car.

 

 

People Who Say “No Offence But”

Bitch please, you knew it was offensive before you opened your god damn mouth. You need to read THIS. Don’t like something about me personally? Either say it like you mean it or move on. I appreciate a good roasting so don’t sugar coat your comments, tell it how it is and then we can part ways. Permanently.

 

 

Those Collectable Cards From Woolworths

People love them because they are educational. Let me ask you this, remember the very first series of Woolworth’s cards that came out? You fucking don’t do you. That’s because your kid never gets them out or you have thrown them in the bin. THEY ARE LANDFILL. You can’t even use them as emergency toilet paper.

But they couldn’t just stop there, they had to include 55,00000 stickers in the series this time. I’ve got multicultural kids stuck all over the inside of my car. Dear Woolie’s, What’s your creative team’s phone number? So I can give them 500000000 ideas other than your shitty landfill cards!

Did you know that while we are providing these special educational cards through the spending of hundreds of dollars that some kids don’t even go to school because they don’t have SHOES….No seriously.

We get bits of free printed cardboard for spending money and kids in third world countries don’t have something as simple as shoes…..how are we sleeping at night? Don’t believe me? HERE.

 

The Media & News Sites Posing As Mum Blogs

Anybody just sick of the shit that is shoved down your throats on your news feed every day? It’s not “news” if its propaganda bullshit or just plain bullshit. “Russell Brand Plans To Raise His Child Gender Neutral”…..Yes actually most of us do.

My daughter loves ninja turtles , wears boys gumboots. Hates brushing her hair. Loves walking around singing the John Cena opening song. It’s called gender neutral, not a god damn sex change. It simply means that modern day parents are choosing not to impose strong gender roles onto their children, i.e. Women wear pink frocks to P&C committee meetings and cook Sunday dinners. Men wear blue,  ride bikes, wank constantly and build shit.

It’s not even worth a news story you bunch of dicks.

Just farkin stop it, your audience will end up being a bag of spuds who in no way can be sales funnelled or tempted by the advertisements within your shitty news stories, because potatoes have no arms or money. As for “Mum Blogs” reporting everyday news events, babies dying in hot cars, Brangelina and the divorce of the century – You are just taking the piss now. It’s annoying.

If I EVER sell out like that I agree for all my readers to grab their pitchforks and stab me very hard in the Vag. Sell the video footage to carefree for a new advertisement. This is what a period really feels like, even using the silkiest tampons in the universe.

 

Telemarketers.

You have no soul. Stop ringing me. fuckers.

 

People Who Talk Loudly On The Phone In Public

You’re annoying.

 

Men Who Think Cheese Is A Pick Up Strategy

You actually would be more successful if you gave me a block of cheese. I love cheese, it’s delicious. But being horrendously cheesy and borderline creepy doesn’t work for me. Ever. The sad thing is often the cheesy guys are the nice guys.

But sadly, extremely nervous and void of self-confidence they break out the cheese. Well, the cheese is mouldy and it stinks like the late 80’s. STAHP WITH THE CHEESE.

 

Children Who Scream out “I’m Thirsty” Right After Bedtime

You know what I’m talkin’ bout. See your fucked with this one. I’ll explain why. In an effort to avoid the situation you give your children a drink before bed. One of two things or two of two things happen. One screams out “MUM, I NEED TO PEE” at 1am and the other screams out “MUM, I WET THE BED” at 3am.

This leaves you wishing you had of just got the fuck up and poured the little shits a drink 3.5 minutes after you put them to bed. There’s some next level shit in this situation, though. The “I think he might be psychic” child happens, we all have one.

The child that yells out at the exact moment your arse has only just connected with the lounge. The exact moment the one TV show you can’t wait to watch each week has just finished the starting credits…..MUM I’M THIRSTY.  The exact moment you just sat down to do the pee you have been holding onto for 4 hours…”MUM, I NEED TO PEE”

I’m like, I swear my kid is psychic, that shit did not just happen again.

Personally, I’m not afraid to admit I have anger and patience issues. Don’t worry I swallow 90% of those feelings. Whilst pouring the magical bedtime drink I’m usually fantasising about screaming back at my child FUCKING MAKE IT YOURSELF YOU SMALL FERAL WARM BLOODED CREATURE….That I gave birth too and I love so dearly.

But I would never do that, or have I? I can’t remember.  I wouldn’t expect my child, even the oldest one, to get up and make his own drink unless I wanted to clean up a small tsunami in the kitchen. The last time I asked him to “make it himself” was a bowl of weet-bix, it somewhat resembled a dramatic scene in the Titanic.

 

The Price Of Petrol, Electricity & Breathing

Is anyone feeling the pinch? In the last 6 months, I have friends and family who are doing it harder than they ever have in their whole life. It seems like the last 5 years has been nothing but price rises and our wages are not really catching up, employment isn’t improving as much as it needs to.

Food banks are overloaded with people, charity services are stretched to the limit and mental health issues impacted by huge amounts of stress. This pisses me off because the big boys in charge have an incredible amount of wealth yet have the audacity to tell the Australian people to “tighten their belts” (Joe Hockey , You knob).

It bloody shits me, but it also makes me sad. I know families who didn’t ask to be in dire circumstances, they were forced into a shitty situation. Seems like breathing comes at a cost these days. Come on Australia. Give people a break.

 

I THINK THATS ABOUT IT. 

EPIC RANT DEPLOYED. THERE IS LIFE ON MARS.

 

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