You Can’t Have Anything When Your A Mum
I find myself telling my friends this. They are Mum’s too, we go to church on this topic.
“You Can’t Have Anything When Your A Mum”
Maybe it’s a bit of an overstatement.
My child screamed and told me I’m a murderer today because I squished an ant, It’s my turn to be a drama queen. You can’t have anything, not just personal items. Items for them too.
You Can’t Have Baby Wipes, Nappy Cream Or Baby Powder
A small child can single-handedly create a whole new infinite world when they find the carton of baby wipes. It’s like a child’s arm has a turbo speed button and HOW MANY WIPES CAN I PULL OUT TILL I’M CAUGHT mode kicks in.
Nappy Cream or Baby Powder. Infinite world. Will redecorate your whole nursery for the one-time fee of spending hours cleaning it up.
Your Kids Get Older, Its Gets Easier. BZZZZZZZ! Wrong.
You Can’t Have Clothes Or Shoes
They will have the wardrobe phase. They get into your clothes. Walk around in your shoes. Leave the whole wardrobe in disarray while you’re on hold to your internet company. Never mind that though, little Johnny sprayed the router with cleaner while you weren’t looking. You can’t have the internet either.
You Can’t Have Makeup, Shampoo & Anything With A Lid.
I bought a shampoo rack that hangs over my actual shower door. It’s too high for my fournager to reach. Problem solved. Problem not solved. Fournager begged her 6-year-old sister to climb up and get her my “special purple stuff”.
Purple Hair Dye Folks……That’s right. Purple for DAYZ.
If you want stuff. Buy a safe. Put The Items In The Safe.
Put The Safe Inside Another Safe.
You Can’t Have Food. That’s right, no food.
It’s like owning a pet Ibis. Except an Ibis is probably a lot cleaner. I buy food, I bring it home, they eat it. It’s like one of those contests where you get a trolley and fill it with food – You have 60 seconds! ….except it’s their gut.
Your Car Keys
If you are not at this stage yet I have some key advice.
Get a voice recorder and scream into it like a wild banshee these three vital phrases:
- WHERE DID YOU PUT MY KEYS
- DID YOU HAVE MY KEYS
- WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE KEYS
Try screaming this 15 times with the last being a quiet sob like your collapsed in the corner. With NO keys.
Use this recording later in life to save from any future throat condition you may cause while screaming frantically about the keys.
F.Y.I. lost keys are usually found where you last put them, but the trauma from the time a child put them in the dishwasher will never leave. You immediately visit that hellhole in your mind the moment you can’t find them.
You can’t have Keys, write that down. Buy a Bicycle. Live in a tent.
These are obvious, right? I mean along with knives, pesticides and chainsaws. You keep your scissors put away. Yeah, no. Most of us – who won’t admit it – have Scissors in a bottom draw or in the sewing kit in the linen cupboard.
You can’t have scissors. Because if your mother rings and you take your eye off your child for 5 minutes while you discuss what colour sheets you don’t own…..YOUR CHILD WILL MAKE HIMSELF INTO AN ACTION MAN FIGURINE.
Then right when you’re at breaking point, because you feel like you can’t have anything.
You realised you have them
awww…..Ok, go to sleep now.