Why Do I Torture Myself With Images Of My Child’s Brain?

Why Do I Torture Myself With Images Of My Child’s Brain?

I have the latest images of my son’s brain. It’s different this time. 

To give you a quick brush up on history, My son had a tumour diagnosed within the months of his birth. It’s not as nasty as some of the cancerous tumours you will hear about, but the sheer size of it made it a life threatening situation.


He has been through the rounds. Surgery. Chemo. Trauma. 

This time around it’s to look at his nasal structure. Unfortunately, something isn’t right in that area and it’s causing him chronic sinus, he has been very sick. This has been going on for years, however, it seems to have become worse recently.

Something I didn’t expect to see

When I received the image results, they have also included several MRI Images of his brain. This is probably nothing to worry about. It’s probably a good thing and it might even be part of the paranasal sinuses scan, although it doesn’t seem like it.

This Is Where The Torture Begins

These MRI’s scans are meant to be for the doctor. But of course, I open them and take a look. I can see the tumour, much smaller than it used to me. But then I look at all of these other dots, and shades of black, white, grey. I start to panic for no reason at all, it doesn’t last long because I know I’m freaking out over the unknown.

The Last Time I Opened MRI Scans Was During Chemo, Many Years Ago

Now you tell me you wouldn’t open them?


I Convince Myself Something Is Wrong

My biggest fear is that the tumour will grow and return to haunt us. I don’t think any doctor will understand that not having scans anymore is a bittersweet situation. Great, we go on with our lives! However, how will I know if this thing is creeping inside him?

I start thinking about how the Radiology Assistant came out half way through and asked me a tonne of questions. I suddenly remember, she had a notepad and it seemed important. But she’s also one of the school mum’s, maybe she was just being thorough my sake. I try and switch off.

They Tell Me It Won’t Come Back

I’m serious, I have had specialists tell me it won’t come back. Over the years I have spoken to people who have been told the same, only for their cancer or tumour to come back. Why be so complacent? I don’t understand this. I’m not being negative or expecting the worst. For the sake of my child, I want to prepare for any possibility.


I Switch On The TV After Closing The Scans & Watch Deadpool

Deadpool [Wade Wilson] gets diagnosed with cancer and I start bawling my eyes out. Fuck this, fuck all of it. I hate everything that this shit has done to my son. I have a bit of a crazy lady meltdown. I also have PMS, this doesn’t help.

We Don’t Have The Results Yet

I’m writing this now because we DON’T have the results yet. The results of a sinus probe. Just a simple MRI to find out if there’s a problem with the sinus cavities….but you know…. here I am freaking out.

But it’s not without a reason & I know I’ll downplay my feelings once the results come and everything is okay.


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