I Spew Tested The Vax Carpet Cleaner
I have already established I was a horrible teenager. I probably shouldn’t continue to make this clear in every story I write. I was a horrible teenager.
Today while having a mid-life crisis over my vacuum, I had a flashback from my mid teens. I’m only guessing but I’m sure I was 15 years old when I was trusted for one night, home alone. This wasn’t because my mother didn’t care, was neglectful or spent her nights partying.
This was because I was a selfish asshole. I moaned and groaned anytime we had to go anywhere.
Things were different back then, you could leave your teenager home alone without being burnt at the stake by other parents. Plus, I’m still alive. I didn’t burn the house down. But what I did do, no parent could possibly predict.
When I talk about being horrible, this is from an adults point of view. In my mind, I was having the time of my life. Getting stoned before class and taking catnaps in the bushes at lunchtime was the norm. Going out on the weekend to a friends “sleepover” was code for drinking too much and being a dickhead. I thought I was top shit, now I’m older I want to bitchslap my teenage self into another dimension.
I’m not going to give you the big sob story of my childhood, because, in comparison to many friends, I had it good. This was roughly around the time my relationship with alcohol would veer into becoming more than just a little rebellion.
It was meant to be a quiet night. Drinks and hangs with a couple of friends. We walked through town and drank out of a box of Lemon Ruskis. These were fairly new on the market back then, so everyone was hooking into them. The night became a blur after drinking way too much.
All I remember is waking up very early in the morning to one friend asleep on the beanbag, bong still in hand. Another friend laying in her own spew on the carpet. Fuck. The carpet. Fuck.
I start thinking of 50 ways to die that would be less painful than what my mother was going to subject me to when she saw this. She wasn’t a violent woman. But her face turned into a very scary but feminine version of Hulk Hogan when she got angry,
I had been under strict instructions. No people in the house. No parties. No going out. No ALCHOHOL. I tried to clean it up, it had been there for half the night. In between cleaning up vomit I had to run to the bathtub and vomit myself.
My friend, who was so hungover she was practically unconscious felt terrible. She couldn’t function. I thought about the carpet cleaning bill, then remembered my mum has one of those vacuums that turns INTO a carpet cleaner. Behold, The REAL MVP OF VACUUMS
This vacuum was my mother’s pride and joy, second to her new lounge. We didn’t have much back then. A fancy vacuum was a BIG deal. I vaxxed up the monstrous spew. It worked, but you could see all the bits in the tube piping, BLERGH. I eventually flushed so much water through it I felt it would go unnoticed that I’d used it to suck up a big stinking pile of sour lemon kebab remnants.
The next time my mum used it, just to vacuum, you could smell the faint waft of spew come out of it. My mum didn’t figure it out until I told her over 15 years later. But she is not surprised about anything these days.
Why Am I Telling You This?
I know it’s tough, to get through to your teenager. Especially when they hide things from you and refuse to accept drinking alcohol should not end up like this night did. If you feel it’s become a problem, but your teen refuses to seek help, this doesn’t mean you can’t get help for yourself.
The best way you can help someone you love is to understand what they are going through. There are many many reasons why teens turn to alcohol. Sometimes it’s simply part of the experimental phase of life, but when it presents as something more, you will want answers.
(1800 198 024 toll-free for country callers.)