Shattered Thoughts From The Oncology Ward

Shattered Thoughts From The Oncology Ward

I was strong because I had no other choice. Every inch of me shattered inside.

Keep a brave face, I’ll pick up the shattered pieces when it’s all over.

I sat in doctors appointments with my superhero cape on, breaking down in the elevator afterwards.

Some nights I lay awake questioning the god I don’t even believe in, why are you doing this to us? 

I would tell my friends I was okay, but my thoughts were always screaming.

I withdrew from almost everything because the fight for my child was all I could think about.

If I did take time out, I’d feel overwhelmed with anxiety because I was not at my child’s side.

I wanted to make the most of what I had, every minute, because it may be our last together.

Making the most of what I had was hard with my quality of life fading.

The oncology ward had been our home for months, will he ever know a normal childhood?

The hardest talk is with palliative care, am I making the right decision?

I’d abandon hope one day, but would be filled with it the next.

I would break down in the bathroom, screaming in silence so nobody would hear me.

I wanted to document everything becauseI was so fearful I would forget.

I wanted everything to be private but also wanted everyone to know what I was going through.

I wanted the doctors to be wrong. Even when the results were right in front of me.

I had convinced myself at times, his diagnosis was my fault.

I told myself if he dies, I would die too. I had nothing more to live for.

When he somehow managed to pull through, I felt survivors guilt.

Life will never be the same, things will always be hard. Not as hard as it could have been.

 

 I Wish I Had Of Reached Out For More Support

If You Are Going Through Difficult Times, You are never alone.

There are people who will support you.

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Childhood Cancer Support Website

 



3 comments

  1. I am so sorry to hear this. I have just gone into remission from 15 months treament for stage 3 advanced breast cancer. It was so hard to go through. I can’t begin to imagine the nightmare this would be with your child. Bless. Xx

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