Shattered Thoughts From The Oncology Ward
I was strong because I had no other choice. Every inch of me shattered inside.
Keep a brave face, I’ll pick up the shattered pieces when it’s all over.
I sat in doctors appointments with my superhero cape on, breaking down in the elevator afterwards.
Some nights I lay awake questioning the god I don’t even believe in, why are you doing this to us?
I would tell my friends I was okay, but my thoughts were always screaming.
I withdrew from almost everything because the fight for my child was all I could think about.
If I did take time out, I’d feel overwhelmed with anxiety because I was not at my child’s side.
I wanted to make the most of what I had, every minute, because it may be our last together.
Making the most of what I had was hard with my quality of life fading.
The oncology ward had been our home for months, will he ever know a normal childhood?
The hardest talk is with palliative care, am I making the right decision?
I’d abandon hope one day, but would be filled with it the next.
I would break down in the bathroom, screaming in silence so nobody would hear me.
I wanted to document everything becauseI was so fearful I would forget.
I wanted everything to be private but also wanted everyone to know what I was going through.
I wanted the doctors to be wrong. Even when the results were right in front of me.
I had convinced myself at times, his diagnosis was my fault.
I told myself if he dies, I would die too. I had nothing more to live for.
When he somehow managed to pull through, I felt survivors guilt.
Life will never be the same, things will always be hard. Not as hard as it could have been.
I Wish I Had Of Reached Out For More Support
If You Are Going Through Difficult Times, You are never alone.
There are people who will support you.
Lifeline: 13 11 14